I woke up grumpy and there was no reason for it. I was in the middle of some time off. I was reasonably rested. Life was going well. So where did the ugly mood come from?
I started to read the Word and to pray. It seemed like I was getting nowhere. I’m not sure where I got the idea, but I started looking at some of my old journals. Within a few minutes, my attention shifted to some of the incredible things God was doing in my life.
My life pattern has been to be a load bearer. There is a deep belief in me that I have to work really hard and to carry great loads to fulfill my purpose before God. While there are seasons where “going the extra mile” is the call of God, to be a load bearer is not sustainable over a period of time.
As the years have gone by, I have come to an understanding that being a load bearer is both pride and idolatry. It puts me and what I can do much more at the center and pushes the works of God to the periphery.
Waking up grumpy was one of the outcomes of having pressed too hard for too long. The heaviness is planted deep within my being. Even when things were going well, that heaviness still sprang up to impact my morning.
For me, the solution was seeing the sovereignty of God. In my journals, I saw a pattern of God blessing me in areas where I could not take the credit. He sovereignly accomplished things outside of my desire or ability. Especially with the Women’s Center project, God prompted me to do things I didn’t want to do and that I didn’t think could be done. And He has been faithful to move it toward completion!
After looking over my journals, I returned to reading Isaiah 63-64. When no one was responding to God, He still accomplished His salvation (63:5). How much better would my life be if I truly allowed God to be God? When I am in pride or load bearing, I am playing God. It gets heavy. I get grumpy. Even after days of rest, I wake up grumpy. It is deeply etched in my being because of endless days of being heavy.
How many more years do I have to live without the fullness of joy and thanksgiving that is available to me because I choose to be a load bearer? How many more days do I get to wake up grumpy because of what I have sowed in the past? I have no idea! But I do know, that when I truly see Him as God, there is a solution. Praise His name!